When Worlds Collide
by force42
Summary: Dudley Googles his weird cousin Harry's name...with surprising results.
1. A Strange Query

**When Worlds Collide**

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I'm just borrowing them. I promise to return them completely, or at least mostly, unscathed when I'm done. Please don't sue me; I have no money.

**Chapter 1, A Strange Query**

Dudley Dursley sat hunched over his computer, mouse clicking in one hand, grape soda in the other. He cocked his head to the side, put down his soda, and began typing. Taking a sip as the page loaded, Dudley choked and purple liquid spattered over the words and images that had just appeared on his screen.

Across the room, Harry looked up from his book. "Whatcha gone and found now? More naked ladies?"

"Harry…" Dudley wavered… "you're…you're famous."

"Everyone knows that," Harry replied stiffly, turning back to his book.

"No," Dudley continued, "on the Internet. In… my world. Muggles? So that's how you spell it. Blimey, we sound like idiots, I mean, with a spelling like that..."

"That's because you are……wait, you're saying that I'm famous in the Muggle world, on the Internet? How?"

"Who's J. K. Rowling? Some wizard friend of yours?"

"Never heard of him," said Harry as he joined Dudley behind the glowing screen.

"Well, it seems he, no, wait,_ she_, knows all about you. She writes stories about you."

"Not another one," Harry groaned, "Rita Skeeter was bad enough." Harry squinted at the screen as Dudley jumped from page to page. "What does she say?"

"I dunno, books I think. But whatever it is, people seem to like her a lot. There's loads of fan sites devoted to you and those friends of yours."

"She writes about all of us? Ron will love this!"

"She's not the only one who writes about you," said Dudley as he stopped on a page. "You've got a devoted and, by the looks of it, enormous fanfic following."

"Wait, what? What is this?"

"It's called fan fiction. A lot of TV shows have it, like, where people will make up their own stories about the characters. I've never seen any done on a real person before, though…well, bands and actors sometimes, but those don't really count… "

"You read it?"

"Sometimes…"

"Do you _write_ it?"

"Ummmm…" Dudley squirmed in his seat, "moving on……hey, look at this one," Dudley clicked a link.

"Great titles" Harry snorted. "The things people will make up! Hang on, what are the names with the lines between them?"

"Oh, those are romantic pairings…like who you're dating."

"I see" said Harry, keeping his face decidedly blank as he scrolled through the list of stories.

"The male-female pairings are called 'ship' which is short for relationship, and the male-male or female-female ones are slash…which just refers to the line between the names…"

"Hmmm…Dudley, you seem to know an awful lot about these things." Harry intoned sarcastically.

"What do _you_ think I do all day on the computer? Homework?"

"coughporncough" Harry replied quietly.

"Not that much…and only when mum and dad aren't home. What do you do on the computer?"

"Not much really…don't have that big a use for it…talk to some muggle-born friends whose parents aren't too keen on owls, but that's about it. But I think I'll have to check this out."

Dudley, who had been skimming various stories, choked on his grape soda again.

"What is it now?" Harry asked, following Dudley's eyes to the screen.

"Fan ack art" Dudley said, still coughing. "Like fan fiction, but, um…art."

"I got _that_." Harry replied. "Some of this is pretty good, though my hair isn't nearly that messy."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"Do you even _own_ a mirror?"

"As a matter of fact I do. A better question would be, do you, Dudley?"

The old grandfather clock in the front hall chimed.

"Ah, I'm late to meet the guys" Dudley said as he jumped from the well-worn seat in front of the computer.

"If you don't mind, I think I'll keep browsing" Harry turned to where Dudley had been, but Dudley was already halfway out the door. "Whatever," Harry sighed as he sat down in front of the monitor and started typing.


	2. The Muggle Crystal Ball

**When Worlds Collide**

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters; I'm just borrowing them. I promise to return them completely, or at least mostly, unscathed when I'm done. Please don't sue me; I have no money.

**Chapter 2: The Muggle Crystal Ball**

"So how does this work again?" Ron asked, peering at the computer monitor from different angles, trying to figure out why most of this Muggle crystal ball was a strange shade approaching puce.

"This is a computer," Harry began yet again. "Muggles use them to share information and send messages to each other…and look at naked ladies."

"So this crystal box is magic?"

"The _monitor_ doesn't do that much. You have to attach it to another box where the computer's brain is. And then more cables attach it to a network of a bunch of computers that share information."

"Ah…so the crystal box isn't magic, the other box under the table is?"

"Ask Hermione the next time you see her. I'm sure she can explain it better," Harry sighed, resigning himself to the fact that Ron would simply never understand Muggle life.

"Here, just sit down, and watch the screen."

Ron sat on the oversized chair, with Harry next to him guiding the mouse and occasionally typing queries into the search engine.

"How do you…NO WAY!" Ron stared at the screen in shock, his own face, well, actually a face very similar to his, with his name beneath it, staring back at him.

Harry put his arm around Ron. "See? I told you you were famous."

"But how…how…"

"I don't know, really. I checked out those books, the ones this J. K. Rowling person wrote. They're okay…not accurate in the least, mind you…so over-dramatized…I'd almost say it was a coincidence if it weren't for the eerie similarities."

"Such as?"

"Names…places…circumstances…appearances…her description of Hogwarts is pretty accurate…though the whole Voldemort thing…absolutely ridiculous…there hasn't been a dark witch or wizard in Britain for several hundred years…she's spot-on about the elitists like the Malfoys, but the wizarding community is so small…we'd catch someone turning long before they became dangerous," Harry said nonchalantly, "at least I hope we would," he added quietly.

"What does she say about me?" Ron asked excitedly.

" Well, I know you're by no means rich, but she made you family seem practically destitute…and your house isn't nearly as structurally unsound as she implies…held up only by magic indeed!…got the gnomes dead on…nasty little buggers" Harry said, thoughtfully chewing the scar from the gnome bite still on his finger.

"So, in the books…" Ron faltered.

"You marry Hermione and I marry Ginny..." Harry sighed, "And one of our kids is named Albus Severus. Between the end of book seven and the epilogue, I must have gone batty to saddle one of my children with a name like that!"

"Weird." Ron said, astonished.

"I know," Harry replied, "I mean, Hermione and Neville have been a couple for nearly a year and a half now."

"Well, with Neville cultivating potion-making materials…some on the sly at Hermione's request…he did an amazing job on the greenfang, remember…never got bitten…and everyone thinks he's a klutz…and Hermione experimenting with those potions, they're a perfect match!" Ron said, laughing slightly.

"You know, I once asked Ginny if she was interested in you." Ron continued. "She laughed and said that she absolutely adored you as a brother…_another_ brother…was what she said, I think."

"That's reassuring," Harry replied. "Think she suspects anything?"

"Nah….well, maybe…but if she did, I think she'd know enough to keep her mouth shut. Mum would completely flip if she found out."

"Good." Harry said. "No one around here does, either, thank goodness, or they'd never let you visit…they think I'm enough of a deviant as it is. They're so uptight. You know it took three Howlers plus Hagrid to convince them to let me go to Hogwarts in the first place?"

"You told me about that. I can't imagine the looks on their faces at that first Howler, much less seeing Hagrid," Ron laughed.

"With the first Howler, Uncle Vernon turned purple, Aunt Petunia's face did something like this…" Harry said, sucking in his cheeks and trying to make his nose look more pointed, giving the impression he was sucking a lemon.

"And Dudley?" Ron asked, laughing at Harry's impression of Aunt Petunia.

"I'm not sure Dudley entirely noticed…must've thought it was the radio or something. You've seen him at breakfast before; between his bacon, eggs, donuts, toast, and the telly, not much can catch his attention."

"Figures." Ron said, now trying to stop himself from giggling at his most recent memory of Dudley at breakfast; while Dudley was engrossed in the latest celebrity gossip, Harry and Ron had managed to switch his white toast with whole wheat, much to Dudley's surprise when something relatively healthy entered his oversized mouth. Ron was especially grateful for the all the exercise he and Harry had been getting recently when Dudley realized the switch and chased them down the hall and out the front door…during a commercial break, of course.

"What's so funny?" Harry asked, as Ron fell off the chair, unable to control his laughter.

"Remember when we transfigured Dudley's toast?" Ron wheezed, "White to whole wheat? So simple!"

"Bloody brilliant as I recall it," Harry replied, starting to laugh himself at the memory.

"And then he couldn't figure out how it happened…there wasn't any whole wheat bread in the house!"

"Good thing Hermione taught us how to put a limited life on a spell," Harry added, "by the time he got back to his plate, it was white bread again. Poor Dudders was even more confused. Too bad we weren't there to see his reaction. He'd just exercised _and_ missed five commercials over nothing!"

Ron howled with laughter on the floor and Harry was well on his way to joining him.


	3. Assalut on the Written Word

Harry and Ron were lounging on a picnic blanket in the speckled shade of a large tree, papers scattered around them, held down by convenient bits of wood, small stones, and the occasional sneaker against the light breeze. Harry snatched one of the bits of paper from under Ron's foot where he had pinned it after the wind threatened to take it skyward. Harry continued reading from the sheet he had dropped in his fit of laughter:

"_**Harry Potter and the Secret of Love**_

_**by Trazzy**_

_One day, Jamie Doyle was frolicking in the woods in Scotland. Also, Harry Potter was in the woods being angsty. As Jamie bent down to smell a wildflower, Harry happened upon the same clearing! He fell instantly in love with the young beauty with the cornflower blue eyes and golden, flaxen, shining hair, and lips as luscious as the red, red rose._

"_Who are you, to steal my heart so quickly?" asked Harry._

"_I am Jamie Doyle," said Jamie._

"_And be ye a nymph, to have such otherworldly beauty?"_

"_No, I'm Jamie Doyle," replied Jamie._

_So they started making out, and Harry thought to himself that he had never felt such ecstasy in his life and that the only way it could be any better would be if he turned into a dog._

"_Becomus Doggus," commanded Harry, whipping out his wand. Suddenly, he turned into a dog._

_So they started making out again, except that Harry was a dog this time._

_And their two hearts beat as one._

_Then, they frolicked in the woods. Naked. But then they got tired, so they made sweet, sweet man-dog love. Just as dog-Harry ejaculated his magic semen, impregnating Jamie, Braveheart burst out of the woods._

"_Unhhhhhhh, that was good," Harry moaned. Just then he noticed Braveheart. "Who are you?" he asked._

"_I am Braveheart," said Braveheart._

"_I guess I'm in love with you, too," said Harry. So they all had a threesome. It was full of sweat and beautiful love._

_Then Braveheart said, "Aha! That was just a cunning trick to distract you while I steal Jamie!" Then he stole Jamie._

"_Oh, no," said Harry, "I have to think of an unrealistic way to rescue him. Otherwise I'll have killed everyone I love. Again. That makes me feel like self-mutilating."_

_So Harry pulled his tail and ran off to find Jamie. When he found the cave where Braveheart was hiding, there was almost a big fight. Then Buckbeak showed up._

"_Now I can talk!" said Buckbeak. "And I can also kiss with tongue."_

"_Awesome," said Harry._

_Just then, Hagrid's voice boomed through the trees. "There you are, Buckbeak," he said. "What are you boys doing?"_

"_We were just about to have a giant orgy," said Harry, still in dog form._

"_Oh," said Hagrid, "Well, you can't have a giant orgy without a giant, yar!"_

"_Good point," said Harry. Then they all had a fivesome._

_Later, Jamie gave birth to a litter of Harry Potters. And all five got married to each other and their cosmic unity destroyed all the evil of the world forevermore."_

"Harry…*snort*giggle*…Harry! Stop! I don't know which is worse, the pain from laughing this hard or the pain from listening to those despicable abuses of the written word" Ron said, his arms curled around his stomach, still laughing hysterically. "This has to violate some law…somewhere…"

"I can't believe that someone actually took the time to write this drivel and thought it was good!" Harry said, trying not to tear up as he thought back to what he had just read aloud.

"You should wash your mouth out with soap after reading that!" Ron declared.

"What, and add injury to insult?" Harry asked as if affronted. "I have a better idea," he smiled devilishly as he moved closer to Ron.

"Do tell…" Ron replied, intrigued.

"Strip Fiction. We each pick a word and every time that word is used, a piece of clothing comes off."

"Excellent!" said Ron, reaching over to choose another story from the pile. "_Furtive Glances__ by smartypants89,_" Ron began reading in a mock-serious tone. "How far should I read before we pick our words?"

"The first paragraph, at least," Harry replied already beginning to giggle from the choice of title.

Ron continued reading, "_It was no surprise_ _Ron was late for breakfast. He had seemed distracted all week and was left scrambling to finish an essay on ancient Egyptian warlocks for 'Origins of Magic' the night before it was due. Ron plopped down on the bench next to Harry with the dull thud of exhaustion gained from a night spent in the library rather than his comfortable four-poster bed. "How did it go?" Harry asked, looking at Ron with concern, and, perhaps, something else that couldn't be put into words. "Nghrhmuffin," Ron muttered, reaching for a basket of pastries. Harry pulled the basket closer to Ron, Ron lightly brushing his hand as he went for what looked like a raspberry bran muffin. It was impossible to be sure, but it seemed as if that accidental second of contact created a visible spark, if the goosebumps on both boys' hands were any indication. Ron bit into his muffin, and Harry took a swig of pumpkin juice, _

"Well, in a refreshing change, at least smartypants89 has a decent command of the English language," Ron mused. "Ready to pick your word?"

"Er, Ron," Harry began, "Does anything about that story sound familiar?"

"Yeah, kinda, but that's just coincidence…it has to be."

"Keep reading," Harry said, hoping it was just a coincidence.

~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~

The story **"**_**Harry Potter and the Secret of Love"** by Trazzy _was written by a friend of mine and, inspired (in a roundabout way) this fic.


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